Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Married men, bachelors & inevitably trouble

The thing with being an eligible bachelor (yes I know all 3 readers are doing the roll eyes thing right now) is that you can count on your married friends to give you a call whenever they are in trouble. Its not that they don't call you otherwise but when they do manage to dig a hole for themselves large enough to swallow an entire European country, they will faithfully call their single friends apparently for solace and advice. Seeing as we are, well, unmarried (and hence unaware of how a woman's mind works or doesn't work) Im not sure what sort of guidance they seek but nonetheless that doesn't stop the merry band of bachelors from providing free advice. Which usually results in the digging of holes large enough to swallow entire African countries. Oh well, its the thought that matters.

Take the tragic case of my friend who was recently married (poor chap) which coincided with the decision of his boss to send him on business trips across the world (lucky chap). Now this meant that he was home for less than a handful of days each month but this also meant that he had to be on his toes while he was within the confines of home sweet home. The reason being his wife would go to great lengths while he was away to make some changes and like any other woman would expect admiration and approval for all the effort that she put in.

The thing is women don't seem to realise that men dont realise such things. If the sofas have been rearranged, we don't notice it. If the plates are new, we don't notice it. If the curtains are new, we don't notice it. Its not our fault. We were born this way. Now this leads to enough trouble for married men of all races, religions, colours and creeds. There is only way that they can put themselves in more trouble...

Last Month
The last thing I needed at 8 AM on a saturday morning was a phone call to wake me up from my blissful slumber. And the first thing I got on saturday morning was a phone call that woke me from my blissful slumber. I picked up the phone and listened in half attention since my eyes refused to open and my mouth refused to move.
"So what are you doing today? Do you want to catch up for the football match in the evening? How bout a movie in the afternoon? Whats your scene for breakfast?"
I would've answered if I knew who I was talking to. Managing to open my eyes by just the bare minimum required to identify the caller, I realised it was my globetrotting friend who apparently was back in town.
"When did you get back?"
"So why do you want to hang out with me?"
"Have you forgotten our decade long friendship so easily?"
"No I haven't but you're married now so you ought to be spending time with your wife. The fact that you're trying to make plans with me means you did something stupid. What did you do?"
"Errr its a long story."
"Its 8:15 on a saturday morning. I have all day you know ...."
"So does that mean we're not making all day plans?"
"Good to see you're as sharp as always. So how are you in trouble?"
"Its not my fault . I came back late last night after a tiring 20 hour trip that included a long stop over at Heathrow. I was exhausted and glad to be home. I would've given an arm for a tasty home cooked dinner and the smile on my wife's face. But do you know the first thing I hear from hear when I walk in? 'So do you like it?'. Blimey, I knew I was in a royal pickle right then and there. The last time I came home she asked me this & I failed to realise she had got the hall painted. How am I supposed to figure out the colour of the blasted walls has changed since the last time I was in my house when I am severely jet-lagged?"
I grunted in response. (For all you women out there who are reading this, the grunt is a male sound that signifies so many things that it cannot be defined. It is possibly the only form of communication that has carried on unchanged since the stone ages)
"Anyways I paid dearly for not noticing the repainted walls. So I frantically scanned the hall for any changes but everything seemed to be the same. Then I realised she had lost weight and must've joined the gym without telling me. So I said she looked ravishing now that she had lost weight and extended my arms waiting for a big hug. The only thing I got in return was a look that would've had lesser men trembling in fear."
" 'I spent 4 hours yesterday at the parlour and got myself an expensive haircut thinking you will like it. But you didn't even notice my new look. You think I've lost weight? I dont need to lose weight! I look fine as it is. The dinner is in the fridge. Warm what you want and you can sleep in the guest bedroom after that.' With that she walked into our bedroom, slammed the door and left me standing there tired, hungry and speechless."
Another grunt. This time of sympathy.
"I honestly thought she had lost weight by having gone to the gym. How was I supposed to know she got a new haircut? You have no clue how difficult married life is, what with you being an eligible bachelor and all ....."

Last week
@#$*!^#@^ Why was my phone ringing at 10 AM on a sunday morning? "So you wanna head out for a Sunday morning drive?"
Grunt. An angry one.
"So I take it that you dont want to head out on a drive. Well the weather is awesome you know."
There was only one person dumb enough to call me at an unearthly hour while I was lost in my dreams and still expect to have a 2 way conversation.
"What did you do this time?"
"Errr how did you guess?"
"So maybe Im not as dumb as I look. Im all ears, go on."
"Well so you know how I didnt realise my wife had got a haircut the last time I returned to India? This time I was prepared as I walked in my home after another month long trip. Yesterday before she could ask me whether I liked the change or not, I told her that I loved her new haircut."
"So why are you making plans with me today?"
"Turns out she had joined the gym and lost weight since I inadvertently brought it up last time. And she hadn't gone for a hair cut. You wouldnt understand how lucky you are. You're so much better off, being an eligible bachelor ....."


swaroop said...


Nefertiti said...

the wife is stupid...

n u r not an eligible bachelor...

Shivangi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

the husband is dumber
...and u r not the elgiible bachelor!

Neil said...

@ Anon - Do you know that it shows your name when you delete your comment?

And are the two of you suggesting that I am an ineligible bachelor ?

Anonymous said...

End of life-wife